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I Hate Everyone... Starting with Me Joan Rivers achievements in fashion far outweighed her career as a comedian Before her, the red carpet question was what are you wearing if it was even asked and the outfit just described Stars dressed themselves at the time or had a friend or the studio help them Then Joan asked, who are you wearing and that started a new career of stylists Stars had always worn fashion house dresses and often paid for them After Joan took over they sent so many to the stars someone was needed to sort through them and accessorise them and then return after use This is because stars, unlike you or me have a lot to do, even when not filming They need to have stylists, maids, cooks, cleaners, gardeners, chauffeurs, personal trainers, people to carry their purchases and personal aides to massage their egos Life at the gym, the beauty salon, the restaurant and shopping can be exhausting and they need a lot of time not doing anything but lying, watching television and maintaining their star quality This industry started by Joan is vast, multi billion The stylists are not only paid well and paid off by the fashion houses no doubt , the publicists have something to write about, the studios love the publicity and the tabloids can forget about proper journalism and just print PR releases Major fashion distributors adapt the clothes for ordinary people meaning that a season later a lot of sheep will be baa ing around the place in really awful clothes like the high low hem and side boob and the kind of shoes that are terribly uncomfortable and terribly expensive but have red soles This makes the sheep feel on trend, edgy, smug and that they are really cool people who have it going on Really.This is all living the American dream This is uber capitalism Joan invented a new industry based on that simple phrase, who are you wearing and one with built in obsolescence needing continual expenditure to keep up What a genius No wonder she lived in an 18M apartment, she deserved it Is it any wonder she won Celebrity Apprentice Joan as a comedian Again a genius I m not talking about her stand up comedy here, I never saw her do a show and her humour although it has some of the edginess of Lenny Bruce, her inspiration, is too American for me to really identify with I m talking about Fashion Police Having built up this industry of what stars wear, she then develops a show to knock them all down to size again Such genius The person who says they don t have a bit of schadenfreude about them is telling big porkies It was fun seeing her segments, starlet or tramp with the pics with the heads out of shot It was fun seeing someone who was ultra styled and looked ridiculous rubbished by the judges It was fun seeing the stars who had gone too far with the botox and fillers and mammary additions that in shape and size resembled half canteloupes being exposed as figures of fun rather than exemplers of cool beauty.Without Joan, Kim Kardashian and her fat arse would have been a flash in the pan sleaze bag story Her phenomenally boring family would have remained the major shoppers they are Kelly Osbourne would be an unattractive and untalented daughter of a rock star still desperately trying to monetize her connections Joan s daughter Melissa would have done what She only ever hung off her mother s coat tails anyway So for Joan, for the author of the book 5 For the book itself, the audio, to hear Joan, 5 , for content, well let s not go there, this review is dedicated to the late great businesswoman, Joan Rivers Patron saint of old ladies who will not grow old, and people who do not take themselves too seriously at all Love her. I Hate Everyone Starting With Me, is a hoot n holler, rollicking good read, from the irrepressible Joan Rivers I had tired of Ms Rivers of late, tired of her constant plastic surgeries and catty, caustic banter But this book proves why she became famous in the first place She is side splittingly hilarious, witty, profane, and obviously a very intelligent woman.If you are down in the dumps, read this book, you will laugh so much you will forget why you were upset This is also a most quotable book and your friends and family will enjoy her wit, even second hand from you Joan Rivers may hate everyone starting with herself, but I love her again and so will you if you read this book Enjoy What can I say.An over inflated ego, combined with a sense of self importance and a dire need for survival, are the coloring pencils of this bookI hate narcissists They never talk about meYet, the outrageous impolite, often rude comments on everything and everybody, all hid a lonely, loving, well educated person who had an agent and bank account for every word she ever utteredIt all goes back to my childhood I was not a pretty girl You know how some people comment on a person s appearance by saying things like, She looks like her father Well, I actually looked like my father mustache, man boobs, big thighs, hunched shoulders, sideburns All I needed was an enlarged prostate and you wouldn t have been able to tell us apart Right from the get go, my parents didn t like me When I was born, my mother asked, Will she live The doctor said, Only if you take your foot off her throat I was the only baby in the maternity ward who had to take a bus home My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller For school lunch they d make me peanut butter and strychnine sandwiches Instead of a library card I had to carry a DNR warning In seventh grade, I had a bad hair day and my mother went to court to fight for my right to die My parents used to give me advice like Take candy from strangers and Ask the guy in the raincoat if he owns a vanJoan Rivers is obviously not everyone s cup of tea, but she looked at life with a tremendous eye for detail and anti mainstream She translated everything into money For instance, she did not like exercise The only exercise anybody would get out of her was to throw diamonds on the floor That would force her to bend her legsLove may be a many splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round If you think I m kidding, just watch the six o clock news The first twenty nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives And then, at the very end of the show, there s a thirty second human interest story about some schmuck who married his cat I rest my caseShe was right about one thing, the most important motto anyone could ever consider, and that is to laugh when it is not expected It is the only way to get out of heartbreak, tragedy and bad hair days It was her key to immense fortunes and fortitude It was her mantra for survival If you don t have an opinionated in your face friend like her, find one They make a huge difference in our battle for survival.So, if you need a u turn in attitude and destiny, try a dollop of Joan It will change your life forever. Review to follow at some point I love love love love her Note to those that hated this book because they were offended, or it was too meanEither you don t know Joan Rivers or you didn t read the title of the book If you were expecting a memoir, you must not have read the beginning of the book either where Joan explicitly states this is not a memoir, it is a comedy book and reads like a long stand up routine Ignore that Goodreads tag of autobiography memoir, it s NOT Much like any other comedian, Joan has a persona and part of that comedic persona is vulgarity Nothing is off limits and it is often about the shocking one liner, if this is not your brand of humor do not read this book It s as simple as that.If you are interested in the real Joan Rivers I suggest watching her documentary, A Piece of Work, it s amazing.People who are saying that this book is hateful and bitter must be thick because that is the whole point, it s in the fricken title Just because YOUR offended that doesn t mean the joke isn t funny or that this book is bad..Okay, that brings me to the end of my rant.This book is enjoyable if you like Joan s brand of humor which is all about the one liner I ll admit it does get to be a little long if you read this book from start to finish, there s a reason comedy specials never exceed 90 mins Plus, I m a fan, somewhere between follower and avid, and as a result have heard a number of these jokes or ones that are similar Additionally, I think that some of the magic of Joan s delivery is visual or somewhat conversational in tone and you don t get the full effect by just reading or listening, there s just something extra her presence adds.I also wish there had been celebrity brutality, I just love when Joan rips into Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow, it felt toned down in this book.Still this book was very Joan, crude, and brash, and fun She covers just about every group from mothers to Scientologists and every race, religion, and age group Some of the passages about death and what her funeral should be like took on an unintended degree of gravitas and when she said she hoped to beat Jack Benny and Phyllis Diller by working into her 100 s I might have teared up I m sad she s gone and wish she had gotten a little respect Joan, you will be missed, this Joan Ranger salutes you FABULOUSLY FUNNY Bought this book in hardcover when it first came out Love this book so muchthat I keep my copy in my vehicle In the event I forgot to bring a book or I have a long wait somewhere for whatever reason, my daughter or I will pick up this book and read aloud to each other and laugh til we have tears in our eyes We don t even use a bookmark Just pick it up and open it to any random page and begin I do, however suggest you read the book through once, before using our unorthodox method.PLEASE Only read the reviews of this book that have 5 star ratings and that truly give it the justice it deserves I have no idea why I forgot to include this outrageously funny favorite before now.Oh Joan, my queen of comedy.I miss you I fucking love this woman She s at the top of her game in her 70 s and come back successfully from personal and career bad shit than I can comprehend And I mean truly at the top of her game she knows her craft and herself and the business so well that she is untouchable in her particular form of comedy genius Un fucking touchable, y all You try it.Most basically, this book is a collection of one liners about culture and celebrities and the business which move light and fast and hit hard and move on it s a joy I particularly like the spirit of taking on what I think of as a comic challenge in this case, taking all fifty states and making up new names for them Missouri, the Show Me state, becomes, the I Showed You Mine Too and Now I m in Jail State I made that example up because I didn t want to take up the time to actually read the real one Sorry, Joan You did encourage us with a least a couple of make up your own Snooki joke here , so I m just running with it.So in short read this and laugh and get a blast of fresh air I finished it two days ago and read it again just today All hail Joan How Do I Love Thee Let Me Count The Ways Elizabeth Barrett Browning, How Do I Hate Thee How Much Time Do You Have Joan Rivers, Joan Rivers Is A Groundbreaking, Award Winning, Internationally Renowned Entertainment Goddess She S Also Opinionated Especially When It Comes To People She Hates Like People Who Think Giving Birth Is A Unique Achievement Or Well Adjusted, Aka Boring, Ex Child Stars Who Don T Even Have A Decent AddictionWith All Of Her Diverse Experiences, It Stands To Reason That Joan Has Seen, Done, Said, And Heard A Lot Of Hateful Things Thank God, She Took NotesHere Uncensored And Totally Uninhibited She Gives The Best Of Her Worst To First Ladies, Closet Cases, Hypocrites, Hollywood, Feminists, And Overrated Historical Figures And Even When Letting Herself Have It, Joan Doesn T Hold Back In This Honest, Unabashedly Hilarious Love Letter To The Hater In All Of Us Let me start by saying I have never hated Joan Rivers In fact, at one time, I loved, loved, loved her Early in my career, back in her can we talk days, I interviewed her for a feature story and I still keep that yellow edged article in my portfolio because I enjoyed our conversation so much But in recent years, I haven t loved her as much as I used to I saw her live a few years ago and felt like she lost her edge, relying too much on the F word to get her jokes across I guess when you get to be her age as it should be you don t give a fuck what people think or say Well, Joan, you ve won me over again with your latest book, I Hate EveryoneStarting with Me Penguin Group Within 10 pages, she had me in tears from laughing so hard I think it was her definition of a tween which is just a teen who hasn t given a blow job yet Actually, even before the book begins, the dedication page lets readers know they re in for a very un PC diatribe because she dedicates it to two killers, including O.J Simpson, because maybe the lippy ex wife had it coming Too soon IT S A JOKE, PEOPLE And if you don t like that one, you probably won t enjoy ones about 9 11, the Holocaust or abortion, either.That is the thing I ve always loved about Joan the courage to say inappropriate, funny things that will make people gasp both from horror and from laughing so hard I believe the phrase Oh no she di ent was first uttered at a Joan Rivers show I said of her those many years ago after our interview that there were no sacred cows in Joan s pasture And that statement remains as true today She ll take potshots at anyone ugly babies, dumb children, lip smacking old people, rude airline passengers, gay wives and lesbian grooms, and especially other celebrities skewer them and serve them up with a delicious punchline Actually, one of the best chapters is one about food and restaurants Here s a juicy morsel I hate it when the waiter comes to the table and asks, Would you like to see a menu What s the correct response to that question No Let me guess what you have in the refrigerator Or No I m not worthy I ll just eat the crumbs off of the lap of the old lady at table seven She writes with the same rapid fire delivery that she uses on stage so that when you re reading the book, it s her voice that you hear in your head saying things like, I hate dry weddings where they don t serve alcohol If I want dry, I ll spend time in the Mojave Desert or take pictures of my vagina or I ve undergone reconstruction than Baghdad As the title indicates, Joan continues to do what she has always done best make fun of herself.To be frank can we talk not all of the jokes work and some of the comedienne s references are so dated they show her age I m not sure one liners about Sylvia Plath, Mickey Rooney or baby Jessica falling in a well in 1987 work that well today But she makes up for it with plenty of current zingers about Jerry Sandusky that are spot on But Joan knows her audience better than I do and in the end, it s a testament to her own longevity in show business that she can reference everyone from Clara Bow and Senor Wences to Kim Kardashian and Beyonce in her jokes, or stretch a comparison between Shirley Temple and kidnapping victim Jaycee Dugard.And it wouldn t be a Joan Rivers book without at least a few Liz Taylor fat jokes When they come from Joan, those are always funny, even if Ol Violet Eyes is dead.And Bea Arthur being a man Again, always funny Even if the Ol Dickless Baritone is dead, too.Not that she s ever gone away, but in my book Joan is back with a vengeance and a very funny new book The world would be a happier place if there were hatemongers like her. Oh Joan, you comedy goddess youwhy have you not been inducted into sainthood as the Patron Saint of Crones who Don t Give Two Shits or of simply being a fabulous woman This here is a feminist icon, ladies and gentsand even after she has left Earth her soul still resides here, making us laugh and being a fashion queen seriously, her outfits are to KILL FOR.This book made me miss the woman R.I.P, Joan.

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